i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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