Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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