apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
