remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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