We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
