I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
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and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
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No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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