I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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