As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
