Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
