I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
