just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
