The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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