The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
