I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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