My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
