weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
