Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
