im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
