She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
