u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
