Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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