dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My penis needs a shock collar
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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