I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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