I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
