If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
