then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Why can't burritos get me drunk
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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