OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
