I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
