textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
