there's paper in my vomit.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
