I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Randomize
