Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
