I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
