did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Randomize
