well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
