He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
