You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
