i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
