I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
