got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
