i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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