I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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