I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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