You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
