i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
