went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
