he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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