turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
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