Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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