omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
