Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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