My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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