I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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