how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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