Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
