Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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