so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
