the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
