i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
